And All My Fragile Strength is Gone
by vogue idea
Summary: She never could turn him down; it was the one habit she couldn’t quit, no matter how hard she tried. Nate/Blair. Post season 1.
1. still feel you here

**Author's Note: **So I took a little hiatus from but I'm back! I apologize for so abruptly deciding to make "Sticks and Stones" a one shot, but I just wasn't feeling it. So I present to you my newest fic! These ideas have been bubbling in my head ever since the first hiatus, but I wanted to wait until the season was over before I began. There are some SMALL spoilers for season 2, but even if you read this it won't ruin anything for you because I think most of these things were basically implied at the end of season 1. I'm hoping this will be a few chapters, I have a pretty good feeling that it will be. The POV sort of jumps back and forth between Blair and Nate, sometimes a mixture of both. I hope that's not too confusing! Happy reading and feedback is always appreciated.

The story description is from "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles.

**Disclaimer:** The only thing I own are my ideas, the characters and Gossip Girl are not mine.

--

The first time they speak in months isn't because they actually have anything to say to one another – it's because she's practically begging for his help. And because when he sees her frantically running towards an elevator that holds a barely conscious Serena van der Woodsen, he wants to protect her. He knows that for the majority of their friendship, she's been the one to take care of best friend.

In fact, she's usually the one taking care of everyone.

Everything that comes out of his mouth when he does actually speak to her still sounds angry and bitter. He doesn't mean for it to, but he doesn't know how to talk to her anymore.

Chuck makes some sort of comment about it being just like the old days. He narrows his blue eyes and silently disagrees.

It's the furthest from how it used to be.

--

She didn't want to ask for their help, especially not his. Considering they hadn't spoken a word to each other in months and ever since she saw him with Dan's little sidekick, from _Brooklyn_, she's been trying to get rid of the dulling ache in her stomach that won't seem to go away.

And talking to him certainly won't help. But she does anyway and she's impressed with her ability to stay composed in this awkward of a situation.

They share a few words, but she can't help but notice that she's not the only one sneaking looks.

--

When Nate hears his former best friend confess that he was in love with Blair, he almost feels more betrayed than he did when he found out they had been sleeping together. His mind is racing in a thousand different directions so he doesn't have long to linger on the feeling before he confronts his father.

While Chuck was wrong about the Captain, he almost wishes he was right. Any hard feelings that he may have had towards him are masked by the gratitude he feels.

It's nice to have him there again, even if things aren't sorted out.

Once they resurrect the burned bridges, he gives Chuck his blessing. Doesn't he owe it to him? He doesn't think he's ever heard Chuck say he loves someone.

That's what he tells himself, but really, he knows the person he owes it to her. She deserves to be happy, too.

--

He spends the summer in the Hamptons with Serena while he thinks Blair and Chuck are off in Europe. But when Chuck shows up two weeks later and won't say much about what happened, he begins to try and weasel information out of Serena.

Blair calls far too much for her to be having a good time, and the blonde always leaves the room when her best friend's name flashes on her screen. They speak in hushed voices, so even when he does try to listen, he can't hear a thing.

He finds his distractions to make the summer fly past, usually in the form of women.

--

She knew it was a bad idea to believe Chuck Bass. He's spent his entire life perfecting lines to get women into his bed, why did she think she would be any different than the rest?

Oh, right. Because he had said he wanted _something_.

She sends him a text telling him that as far as she's concerned, he doesn't exist anymore. And then she deletes his number from her phone, and her world, that's just like removing him from her life.

--

Nate almost freezes in his tracks when he enters Serena's summer house and hears Blair's voice. She sounds relaxed, casually laughing at something Serena has said. The door shuts behind him and he knows he can't run now.

He trudges into the kitchen and Serena sends him a weary smile. Blair slowly turns to face him and he can't help but notice the way the corners of her mouth turn down to create a slight frown.

Serena greets him in her normal friendly manner while Blair just purses her lips and scans him up and down quickly. He takes a seat on the other side of the table and starts flipping through the paper. His ex-girlfriend continues with her story about one of the towns in France she visited.

He looks up and speaks, regretting it a second later.

"Hey, Chuck never told me how Tuscany was."

Her eyes narrow in his general direction and he almost winces.

"That's because we never made it."

Serena shifts uncomfortably in her seat and Blair continues.

"Your son of a bitch best friend stood me up. And then I find out he's slept with some slut who calls herself an interior designer."

Nate folds his hands in his lap, trying not allow them to ball into fists.

"Oh?"

"I'm shocked he hasn't told you. Chuck Bass always did like to make trophies out of his conquests, but maybe he's lost count of how many it is now. I'm sure he's slept with half of the Hamptons at this point."

Behind her harsh words, Nate can tell Blair's hurting. He could always tell when she was, considering he was the cause of that more times than he'd like to admit.

He excuses himself from the table a few minutes later.

--

The confrontation with Chuck is a far cry from the last one the two experienced. Nate's hands aren't around his neck, there's no yelling, in fact, there's barely any speaking.

When he sees his best friend lounging around in one of the sitting rooms smirking about god knows what, he sits down in a chair across from him and stares.

Chuck just assumes he's high again and starts discussing the plans for the day, but Nate can't pay attention. He's trying his best not to lose his temper, but he can feel his teeth grinding together.

And apparently Chuck can too. He asks why that particular look seems to be a temporary fixture on Nate's face.

"You said you loved her, man."

He gets up without another word or glance and spends the rest of the day in town trying to ignore the fact that this is upsetting him much more than it should.

--

Chuck approaches her at the beginning of a party. She almost throws her drink in his face but then she realizes it's almost all gone.

He talks, apologizing over and over again. She listens, rolling her eyes at half of the things that come out of his mouth. But somehow, an hour later, he's worn her down and she can't fight it anymore.

He says he could make her happy, and Blair decides to let him have that chance.

--

He sees the two of them at the last summer party of the year together. Her face is emotionless while Chuck looks desperate to earn her forgiveness.

By the end of the night, she's smiling at him and his Cheshire grin doesn't look phony for once.

They look happy, so Nate grabs another drink even though he shouldn't and goes to look for a girl who won't ask many questions.

--

He doesn't know why he's surprised to see them walk into school together, especially because he's seen them do this every Monday through Friday for the past two months.

Chuck will make some sort of comment and Blair will shoot him a teasing, but warning, look to knock it off. Usually he does.

--

Whenever Blair thinks about the fact that she's dating Chuck Bass, she almost always laughs to herself. She'll never admit it to anyone, but she wasn't sure it was going to work.

But it has, for the most part. Yes, they fight and they bicker, but she knows that deep down, he cares for her.

He's trying. For her. And for now, that's enough.

--

Serena comes over one night practically in tears. She explains that she tried calling Blair first but it went straight to voicemail, and that Nate was the only other person she could think of.

She had seen Dan and Vanessa at a little café that she went to to escape from time to time when the rush of Manhattan became too much.

He nods along as she tells her story, her dark blue eyes brimming with tears and he can't help but feel for her.

--

He walks up the stairs to school holding the hand of his dream girl. But he doesn't feel the rush he expected, he just feels sort of empty. He feels her give his hand a light squeeze and he looks over and smiles weakly.

She sends back a similar expression and lets go of his hand, kissing him lightly on the cheek before heading in the other direction.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Blair pause in the hallway. He turns slowly to face her, but she's gone before he even gets halfway there.

--

Serena comes to her after she's slept with Nate. Again.

Blair doesn't know how to react. So she sits in silence with her best friend and fidgets with her ring.

Serena's voice is tiny when she asks if Blair's upset. She looks up and sees that Serena looks scared, scared that she's going to lose her again.

Blair's decided that Serena's lost too much recently. So she takes her best friend's hand in hers and shakes her head.

It's all a lie, of course, but Blair's always been a good actress when she needed to be.

--

As soon as Serena leaves that night, Blair runs to her bathroom and locks the door behind her. Her finger is down her throat in what feels like record time and she flushes the toilet and slams the lid down before she jumps in the scorching hot shower.

The noise of the running water drowns out the sound of her tears.

--

She feels herself pushing everyone away.

She puts on a happy face for Serena, acting as if nothing has changed between them. Sometimes it feels like nothing has, but then she'll see something that reminds her of Nate. Then she'll think of the two of them together, and that's usually when she finds an excuse to escape to a bathroom.

She finds that she starts to ignore more of Chuck's phone calls than she used to. It's not that she doesn't want to see him, she does, but she can't stop herself from being frustrated when she's around him and he says or does something that just reminds her.

Reminds her that he's not Nate.

--

He's not surprised that they only date for a couple of months. It was all for comfort, really. He was lonely, she was miserable; they needed each other to get through their respective rough patches.

He's is, however, surprised that he's the one to end it. If you had told him a year ago that he would be the one ending a relationship with Serena van der Woodesen, he would have disagreed until he was out of breath.

Dan stops dating Vanessa and once Serena hears the news, she's different. He can see that there's hope that's made its way back into her and he knows that his purpose has been served.

She still comes to him when Blair doesn't pick up her phone calls, and he tries his best to reassure her that even though it's hard now, it will get easier.

"You'll find you way back to each other, people like you two always do." He says.

She stands in his doorway and smiles like she knows something,

"You should remember that, too."

--

When her distance and new icy nature become too much for Chuck, she knows it. He looks at her differently, and she can't blame him.

He holds her hand a little looser, for a little less time. He calls less, and soon not even the master of disguise can fake that he's happy.

She goes over one night to end things the right way, instead of letting them linger like they have been.

He answers the door with his shirt half unbuttoned. She scowls and shakes her head.

"I was stupid to think I could change you."

He looks down, ashamed.

"No, I was stupid to let you try."

He closes the door behind him and walks her to the elevator, kissing her one last time, the way she deserved to be kissed.

She doesn't feel a thing.

--

Lily and Bart have another one of their monthly dinner parties. It's the first time that almost everyone has been able to attend.

Serena and Dan are still in their awkward stage, and Blair is trying her best to be there for Serena. She asks how she looks about a million times that evening and the brunette always smiles encouragingly telling her that she's always going to be fabulous and she shouldn't let Humphrey make her think otherwise.

Blair slips by Dan, who was invited by Serena, and suggests that he go and talk to her if he knows what's good for him.

On her way over to the refreshments, she sees Nate and Chuck standing together talking. They're laughing; she doesn't think she's seen them this at ease in what seems like forever.

They both seem to turn and look at her at the same moment, and she feels her stomach turn. She sets her drink down and darts away to the nearest bathroom.

--

It's been easier to talk to Chuck lately. He showed up one night and told him that he and Blair had broken up, and that he didn't want to talk about. They never have.

He attends the dinner party, it's his first in a while, and for the first time in ages he feels okay. Nate's been looking for her the entire night, but there are so many people there that it's difficult to spot the tiny brunette among the sea of people.

He feels her eyes on him, and apparently Chuck does too, because they both look over at her at the same time but she's gone in a split second.

But before she can get away, he sees a look on her face that concerns him. There's panic written all over her features.

He excuses himself and weaves his way in and out of the people to try and find her.

One of the servers points him in the direction of the bathroom.

--

She hates herself for doing this, really. But at the same time she feels like it's the only thing she can control these days. The contents of her stomach have been emptied and she breathes a small sigh of relief as it disappears as the toilet flushes.

She rinses her mouth out with the mouthwash in the bathroom and wipes the tears from under her eyes. After reapplying gloss, she decides she's composed enough to go back to the party.

When Blair opens the door she's greeted with the painfully striking face of Nate Archibald. He wears an expression that can only be explained as indescribable.

--

His eyes study her face and he can tell she's hiding something. She's standing in the doorway trying to block his view of anything.

"What are you doing out here?" She spits at him, he can almost feel the venom coming from her words.

"I think the better question is what are you doing in there."

He pushes past her into the bathroom and she shuts the door behind him, locking it. He notices that she glances in the mirror, quickly wiping her mouth.

Nate can smell the vomit, and he feels his stomach sink.

He turns to look at her and he can tell that she knows he's aware of what she's been doing.

--

She bites her lower lip and refuses to look in his direction. Blair has looked weak enough times in front of him, and she doesn't want to add this moment to the list.

"It's nothing."

Lie.

She looks up and he's still staring.

"It's not what you think, I just..I just haven't been feeling well this evening."

Lie.

"It was a one time thing, Nate. Don't give me that look."

Lie. And he knows it.

--

It's just about painful for him, standing here, watching her try to so blatantly lie to him. He pinches the bridge of his nose and inhales deeply.

The two stand in silence for what seems like forever. He's the first the break the uncomfortable quiet.

"How long?"

She looks away from him again, now staring at the floor.

"Since I found out about you and.." she pauses, and the next word struggles to come out, "Serena."

Nate runs his hand through his hair, taking another deep breath. He never really gave much thought to what the two of them together would have done to her. He fights back a bitter laugh when he realizes, of course he didn't, because he never did.

"I just assumed that you wouldn't care. I mean, you being with Chuck and all."

Her chocolate eyes constrict and her red lips purse together. He can't place his finger on this look, he hasn't seen it before. At least, not on her. It's somewhere between a mix of anger, hurt, and misery.

"You really do have no idea, do you?"

--

She can't believe the words coming out of his mouth. She wouldn't care? Did he know her at all?

She's lost in her thoughts and soon she tastes salt on her lips. She hadn't even realized she'd been crying.

Before she knows it, she's sliding down the wall and has become a crumpled mess of a person. She's near silent when she cries, but the tears are flowing and she reaches up to grab a tissue but he beats her to it.

She feels his body slide down and sit next to her, and her fist instinct is to make herself even smaller than she already feels.

He hands her the tissue and she takes it.

--

He considers the tissue a white flag. He watches her carefully as she begins to compose herself, unsure of what he's supposed to do.

They sit in silence again. It's still tense, but there seems to almost be a truce in the air as well. At least for the moment.

She goes to grab another Kleenex, but he reaches up and brings the box down for her. She still won't look at him, and he wants nothing more than to look at her and know that she's going to be okay.

The minutes pass and they still say nothing. She tosses the last tissue into the trash and sighs.

He stands up, and offers his hand to her. She looks at it for a second before hesitantly accepting it.

Nate watches her as she reapplies mascara and lipgloss, primping herself in order to keep up an appearance.

"You look beautiful, stop fidgeting."

She looks over at him and he's pretty sure he feels his heart break again.

He doesn't think she's ever looked this broken before.

--

Blair watches Nate go to open the door and she grabs his arm, stopping him.

"Wait."

He pauses and looks at her oddly.

"Don't tell anyone about this, please. Not even Serena."

He falters.

"Only if we talk about this later. If we talk about…things later."

She feels her breath hitch and her heart race a mile a minute. The idea of talking about this incident, and everything else that "things" could be implying, terrifies her. Especially because she'll be talking about them with _him_.

But she nods anyway.

--

He opens the door and stands aside, letting her exit first.

He can feel her relax next to him when she realizes that no one had been paying attention to that bathroom.

When they get back into the vicinity of their friends, she turns on her heel to face him again, and she's close enough so that only he can hear what she says next.

"This doesn't mean anything. All we're going to do is talk. And remember, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone."

Nate nods ever so slightly and then she's gone, making her way through the crowd to find Serena.

He thinks to himself, it may not mean anything now, but it's a start.


	2. so turn off your tears and listen

**Author's Note:** Sorry this took so long! But hopefully it was worth the wait and you all enjoy this as much as you enjoyed the first part. Thank so you much for the reviews, they always mean a lot to me. This chapter is a little less angsty which is new for me, lol. Hopefully I won't disappoint! Happy reading. And if you have the time, a review would really be great just so I know whether or not you guys are liking this.

**Disclaimer:** The only thing I own are my ideas, the characters and Gossip Girl are not mine.

--

He calls twice the next day, she ignores him

He calls twice the next day, she ignores him.

So he shows up at her house, the elevator ride seemingly so strange yet so familiar at the same time. He doesn't even need to look at the button that's labeled "P" because it's like second nature to him.

He's told by one of the random staff members that she's out, and will be for the rest of the day. He thinks about waiting for her, but he knows that will only make things more difficult.

--

Nate keeps calling for three days, and she continues to pretend she doesn't recognize his name as it flashes across her screen.

He's fed up.

So he waits in a coffee shop that he knows she passes everyday on her way to school. Chuck gives him a weird look when he ducks into the building,

"You don't even like coffee, Nathaniel."

He shrugs and spits out some story about not getting any sleep the night before and his best friend waves his hand at him in a dismissive manner as he heads to school.

He's hoping, maybe even praying, she's by herself today. Sometimes he shows her show up sans Serena, and if he's lucky that will be the case.

And as luck would have it, she's alone. He's surprised, for all the times he's fucked up and for all the shit his parents have pulled, he's wondering how the universe still has any good karma left for the Archibalds.

He practically assaults her when he jumps out in front of her. She stifles a scream and almost falls over but he grabs her before she can.

Her eyes have dark circles under them that not even her absurdly priced make-up can cover, but her eyes have a little fire in them.

"Nate, what the hell are you doing?"

--

She hasn't been this nervous in who knows how long. Whenever she tries to quicken the pace he always slows down and she sighs, knowing that there's no way she can avoid this anymore so she slows down too.

They are silent for a two and a half blocks until he clears his throat. She keeps playing with her ring and this is the closest her palms have ever been to feeling clammy.

He stares at her, and she sighs trying to find the right words.

"What do you want to know?"

"Why?"

She can't tell him why. At least, not here. There isn't enough time and there are too many people around. She readjusts her bag on her arm uncomfortably.

"This isn't the place to discuss this."

He grinds his teeth together and looks away.

"Okay, then. Name a place."

They're quickly approaching school and she wants to end this before they get there, avoiding any chance of someone overhearing. But her brain isn't working quickly enough and she can't think, so the answer she spits out surprises them both.

"Your place, after school."

He's taken aback but nods.

"I'll have someone pick us up."

She can feel the eyes of the entire student body watching them as they make their way through the courtyard. It feels a lot like her first day back after the scandal, only there's no yogurt waiting to be splashed onto her head.

He wants so badly to grab her hand and pull her through this mess of people into the safety of the school, but he knows it'll only make it worse. So instead he smiles at her before heading another direction.

"Don't back out. I really don't want to drag anyone else into this, but I will if I have to." He says quietly.

She knows it's not a threat, he sounds more concerned than anything. She weakly nods and tries to make it through the day without thinking about him.

--

When the bell rings she races out of the building and into the familiar town car. The driver must be expecting her, because he opens the door without any questions and she feels safe surrounded by the black leather.

He arrives moments later and all she can do is nod in his general direction, because she's trying to convince her tear ducts to stop working for the afternoon so she can get through this without crying.

Blair feels nauseous as they ascend the stairs and she can't think about how ironic it is that all she wants to do right now is flee to the nearest bathroom.

--

He takes her to the study, thinking it's a neutral zone and should make things feel more relaxed. He motions for her to sit on the couch but she declines, setting her bag in a chair and fidgeting once again with her ring.

Nate sits down in another chair stares up at her.

He wasn't prepared for what happens next.

--

She wasn't either.

But she starts talking, really talking for what feels like the first time in a year. Her tone starts out timid, like she's afraid to say anything, but as he sits and listens without saying a word her confidence grows and that tiny voice begins to grow into bitterness, resentment.

"You're a huge fucking hypocrite, you know that?" She says as she turns on her heel to face him in the chair.

She doesn't wait for him to answer, because she knows he's aware of the fact that he is just that – a huge fucking hypocrite.

"You sleep with my best friend, _while_ we're dating, and I'm a big enough person to forgive you for keeping that from me for six months. I practically let you get away with it unscathed, but that's how it always works for you, isn't it?"

Her eyes narrow and she takes a deep breath, Nate shrinks back into his chair a little afraid of what she's going to say next.

"The only reason you told me is because you felt guilty, and you wanted to clear your conscious. Or because you thought it would be the easy way out – that I would get so upset that I'd be done with you. For good. You didn't do that for us, Nate. You did it for _you_."

He doesn't say anything because he knows she's right.

"And when I sleep with your best friend, not even while we're dating, and I keep it to myself because I know all it will do is cause harm, you can't even be man enough to forgive me for making a mistake. Yet the second he tells you another one of his brilliant lines that he's been perfecting since the age of eight, you forgive _him_, just like that."

She collapses into a chair across from him and puts her head in her hands, when she looks up again, all the anger is gone, but it's been replaced with hurt. There are tears brimming and she curses under her breath, wishing she could have stayed livid instead of whatever this was.

But there's still a hint of bitterness and mockery in her voice when she speaks again.

"I can't be your golden girl, or your sweet little naïve social climber, or even someone so different from everything in your world that it doesn't make sense. I'm not those girls; I will never be those girls, and I won't apologize for that, either."

Blair's voice is shaky and she takes that as her cue to leave. Her heels are the only things that make noise as she leaves the room and hurries down the stairs and out into the cold. The tears finally make their way down her face and feel like ice as they slide down her cheeks. She pulls her coat tightly against her and starts walking quickly back home.

--

Nate sits there in shock taking in what happened seconds ago. She had never spoken to him like that, never been that honest around him. He wanted to know why she was the way she was and the pieces were starting to fit together.

He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. He's a selfish son of a bitch and he knows it. All his life he's done nothing but take, never really giving back what is deserved.

So in that moment, he decides that he needs to change that fact.

He thinks if he runs fast enough, he can catch her.

--

She's waiting for the crosswalk light to change when she hears him call her name. Her first instinct is to run, but she knows he'll eventually catch up so she hesitantly turns around and waits.

He pulls her into a doorway to shelter them both from the raging cold and she crosses her arms and creates as much space between the two of them as she can.

"What do you want? I gave you your answer. I told you why."

Her guard is up again and he knows it.

"I'm sorry."

She rolls her eyes and turns to leave, but he places his arm on the doorframe blocking her path.

"Let me go, Nate. I've seen that song and dance many times before and I'm done believing it."

His arm stays firmly in place and he shakes his head.

"You're right, I am..I was a hypocrite. And I'm a selfish bastard who took everything I had for granted. But I'm different, you're different, we're…"

"We're nothing, Nate. Nothing." Her words are stone cold and harsh.

He refuses to look away from her and she can feel his blue eyes glued to her face. Blair looks at him in the eyes for the first time, she opens her mouth to say something else but he cuts her off.

"I know that. But we could be. I want to be your friend, Blair."

She swallows and tries to remember to breathe. His eyes are still locked with her and she tentatively nods.

She never could turn him down; it was the one habit she couldn't quit, no matter how much she tried.

--

The next week he spots her eating lunch with Serena and a nervous looking Dan on the steps of the MET. Chuck is cutting class, which he's been doing frequently calling senior year a "waste", and he slowly makes his way over to the trio.

He passes her minions on the way up and gives them a slight nod as they all turn their head and flash their brightest smiles, trying to grab even the smallest amount of his attention.

He seeks Blair nearly choke on the warm soup she picked up from the deli down the street as he approaches. Serena quickly shoots her a look and Blair nods and Serena relaxes.

Nate sits on the same step as Dan and positions himself to face all of them. There's an awkward silence but Serena breaks it with a Bart Bass story and soon the four of them are all laughing, and of course, everyone is staring with wide eyes and open cell phones.

It takes Gossip Girl five minutes to post the pictures and soon the entire school is abuzz again.

--

He waits for her after school later that week, bribing her with a ride home since the forecast calls for below freezing temperatures that afternoon. She hesitates but the second she steps outside, she agrees.

They walk closely together and he notices that she has half the library with her so he offers to carry some books for her. Blair gladly shoves a few into his hands and he laughs and shakes his head, she smiles at him and looks over at a group of whispering girls.

"You really shouldn't be doing that, actually." She says as she takes the books back.

He stares down at her as they approach the car, raising an eyebrow.

"Why not? You were moving about as fast as a fucking snail and it's cold out."

A playful smirk appears on her face as she enters the car,

"People might get the wrong idea."

--

It's the third week of January and they're slaving away in his kitchen. He has a French assignment that needs to be completed by Wednesday, and she was the first person he sent a text to after it was assigned.

He's mixing a weird looking batter while she writes ingredients down on note cards, they look too detailed.

"Be sure to dummy it down a bit, she'll know I didn't do it myself it it's perfect."

Blair rolls her eyes and erases what she wrote, reading aloud the new sentence moments later.

"Ajouter la farine tout d'un coup et mélange jusqu' à juste combine."

He looks up at her, confused.

"Jesus, Nate. Do you pay attention? At all?"

A lopsided grin spreads across his face and he goes back to furiously stirring the crêpe batter.

She instructs him, trying to say as much as she can in French because she claims she's only trying to help him, but he argues that it's just torture.

They're both laughing at Nate's attempt to write a persuasive essay as to why this particular item of food is culturally significant when the house phone rings.

He answers it and his face drops, it's his father. He calls once a week, always from a different number. Nate never really has much to say but he suffers through a few awkward minutes of his father talking so loud that Blair can hear him.

He doesn't say much, just inserts what he feels are appropriate responses and eventually has someone from the staff find his mother.

The mood in the room is noticeably different. He's quiet as he looks up words online and types his paper. This lasts for about five minutes before he sighs and rests his head on the counter.

Her soft voice startles him,

"Do you want me to leave?"

Nate looks up and Blair's staring at him, trying to conceal the worry on her face.

He shakes his head,

"Each time he calls I have less and less that I want to say to him. But I have to pretend that I'm okay with all of this because of my mom. It just, it just sucks. For lack of a better word."

Blair nods and bites her lower lip, fully understanding what it's like to have parental issues. She nudges a plate with a prepared crêpe towards him and smiles, trying to lighten the mood,

"Here, try some of your chef-d'oeuvre."

He shoves the whole thing and his mouth and doesn't wait to swallow before speaking, "My _what_?"

She laughs and flicks some unused batter at him,

"Honestly, Nate."

--

He's cramming for an English exam that Sunday night he hears his doorbell ring. The clock shows that it's a little past ten and he figures it's Chuck showing up with a few joints that he'll use to draw him away from his textbooks.

Nate opens the door and he's met with a disheveled, freezing Blair. She's wound up tightly in a coat with the collar popped to protect her face from the snowflakes that started falling earlier that evening. There's a rather large bag hanging from one of her arms and he ushers her inside quickly closing the door behind them.

They're upstairs in the living room before he asks any questions. She's peeling off layers and he's trying to get the fireplace to work.

"Sorry for just dropping in like this. But Serena's on some big date with Dan and they're just starting to gain some solid ground and I didn't want to interrupt. And I couldn't really think of where else to but I just had to get out of my house."

He turns around and she's visibly upset.

"It's completely fine, don't worry about it. You're always welcome here. What happened?"

She shakes her head and looks at the ceiling,

"Just, you know, stuff with my mother. Always ranting about something and tonight I was her target. I could feel myself…slipping, and I needed to get out of there."

He nods, knowing what she was referring to.

"Do you need anything? I have a fully stocked kitchen."

"Hot chocolate, if you have that. I can get it myself, I know where it is."

She gets up and he follows her into the kitchen and watches her make two cups. Blair hands him a mug and he thanks her.

"I won't be a bother, I have a test I need to study for and I'll only stay for a couple of hours, just until I know she's asleep."

He shakes his head.

"Just stay here, I can have someone get a guest room ready for you. Someone could drop you off early tomorrow before school, you don't need to go back there tonight, though."

She considers his offer for a moment before finally agreeing, and then mentions that she won't need to go back, explaining that the big bag is full of everything she'll need.

He laughs, of course it is.

Ten minutes later, she's set up camp in the living room by the fire and is reviewing flash cards for her psychology class. He's dragging his books and binders next to her and she raises an eyebrow.

"What? I study, too."

She shoots him an amused look and goes back to her note cards.

--

It's one in the morning when he hears a soft knock at his door, so quiet he thinks he's imagining it. But when he hears feet begin to walk back down the hallway he jumps out of bed and opens the door surprising Blair.

She smiles timidly.

"Did I wake you? Sorry, it's just that guest room has always freaked me out ever since you said that you and Chuck saw a ghost in it…"

He laughs quietly.

"Blair, we made that up to scare you. And it was in third grade, I can't believe you still remember that."

She smacks his arm.

"I don't care that you made it up, the room is tainted!"

This makes him laugh even harder and she begins to stalk down the hallway but he grabs her by the shoulder and wheels her around.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He pauses, carefully choosing his next words. "You can stay in here, if you want. I'll go sleep in the scary non-haunted room."

She pushes past him and quickly jumps into his bed, looking around the room for any sign of paranormal activity.

"Don't be stupid, this is your bed. It's big enough for the two of us."

He eyes her while shutting the door behind him before climbing into the other side.

"I knew I'd get you in bed again someday." He jokes.

She kicks him, and not lightly, but he can see her grinning in the darkness.

"Stay on your side and we'll be fine, Archibald."

He rolls his eyes and pulls the covers up.

"Whatever you say, princess."

Within minutes he can tell she's sleeping and he carefully moves a strand of hair away from her face. He wants to stay up and memorize how he feels in this exact moment, but the exhaustion of the past couple of days finally catches up to him and he gives into his heavy eyelids.

His heart feels full that night.


	3. i took my faith and i breathed it out

**Author's Note:** I know, I know – I suck for taking ten years to get this next chapter out. I think I've re-written it about a dozen times and it never seems to come out as well as I want it to, but I figured I've made you guys wait way longer than I should have so I'm going to go ahead and post version 13 of chapter 3. I'm so sorry that this has taken as long as it has but I hope you enjoy it. I promise the wait between this and the next part won't be nearly as long, I've already started writing it. I apologize for any typos, I was in a hurry to get this uploaded. Reviews are always appreciated – they let me know how I'm doing! Happy reading!

**Disclaimer:** The only thing I own are my ideas, the characters and Gossip Girl are not mine.

--

February 14th rolls around and Blair finds herself on a blind date with someone Serena has set her up with. She had refused at first, but her best friend insisted that she at least try and humor her. Blair knows it's because Serena doesn't want her to be alone on a day like today.

So Blair primps herself like she always does making sure she is the picture of perfection. It's been a while since she's been on a date and as much as she hates to admit it, she's looking forward to it a little.

His name is Colin and he goes to some private all boys school that she can't remember. He starts talking about his love for all things sports and she immediately loses interest. Her fingers slowly circle the top of her glass and she nods at all the appropriate moments pretending to be interested while he relives the glory days of his last football season.

She eats quickly and lets him kiss her on the cheek after the meal is over, but claims that she has an extra early morning the next day and needs to go home. He's too oblivious to the fact that she's making this up, and she couldn't be more thankful for that.

--

Nate isn't celebrating this day. The only reason he did anything at all in the past was because he knew how much Blair loved it. He hates everything that this holiday stands for and refuses to even pretend to enjoy it with some girl he won't remember the next month.

Chuck is out with his flavor of the week, as are most of the people he would consider spending time with, so he sits at home and watches action movies that have little plot and a lot of explosives.

He pathetically checks his phone every ten minutes even though he knows there are no messages waiting for him.

At nine o'clock he caves.

--

She feels her phone vibrate on her way home and figures it's Serena seeing how things were going. Her eyebrows furrow slightly when she sees who it's from.

_Happy Valentine's Day, B. Try not to eat all your Godiva's in one night._

She rolls her dark brown eyes and instructs her driver to change his course, a small smile playing across her face as she does.

--

He's so engrossed in his movie that he doesn't hear the click-clack of her heels as she makes her way through the hallway to his bedroom.

She doesn't bother knocking and she's met with the sight of him sprawled across his bed with a bowl of popcorn by his side and a beer in his hand.

"That's quite the date you've got there." She says dryly as she sets her bag down and kicks her shoes off.

He rolls his eyes and ignores her comment, "It's 9:30, shouldn't you be out getting dessert with Chris or whatever his name is."

Blair nudges the popcorn closer to him as she crawls on the bed and shoots him a glare, "It's Colin. And no, my exciting evening ended about a half an hour ago."

"What, did you run out of chocolate already?" He teases and she hits his arm.

"For your information, I didn't get any this year."

"No wonder you bailed, that guy's clearly never had a Valentine's date before. Maybe no date at all."

She begins to protest but he's halfway out of the room before she speaks her first word. He hears her follow him into one of the sitting room, and when he turns around she's standing with her hands on her hips with a quizzical look on her face.

"Here." He hands her a box of chocolates. "My dad had them sent to my mom, but she didn't want them and I know how much you like these, so…"

She eyes the chocolate skeptically before smiling.

"Thank you, that's really thoughtful."

He shrugs, that's an atypical description of him.

"Sure."

There's an awkward silence between them before he starts to walk back to his room, swinging his arm around her shoulders and dragging her with him.

"I give you chocolate; you give me the next four hours of your time in which we will continue to watch some of the greatest movies ever made."

She groans and prepares herself for a Diehard marathon.

--

She's leaving her last class of the day when she hears the news. Almost every phone in her vicinity makes some sort of new text tone and there are audible gasps all around. Blair practically drops her phone on the floor when she reads the text Gossip Girl has sent her.

The authorities had finally tracked down the Captain.

Serena exits from her science class wearing a similar expression to Blair's. They look at each other and Serena nods once and that's her cue to fly through the hallways and out the doors.

Not caring who she runs over in the process, Blair pushes her way through the large groups of people all talking about the same thing. The Archibalds.

She just about falls down the stairs as she hurries to the courtyard and spots the familiar head of sandy blonde hair who is moving just as quickly, if not quicker, off the grounds of the school.

Blair knows she can't catch him so she calls out for him and he turns around at the sound of her voice. His face is pain stricken and full of panic, she's not sure she's seen him display this mix of sentiments before.

--

Nate Archibald is used to being confused. He's used to not knowing what path he's supposed to follow or which decision is the best for him. But right now, as he stands in the middle of the courtyard, he's _really_ not sure what he's supposed to do. His father is back? Why did he let himself get caught?

He can feel people's eyes on him; it almost feels like they're penetrating his skin. His mind is racing and he just feels like disappearing on the spot. A voice that he's known his entire life snaps him back to reality and he sees Blair racing towards him through the onlookers.

She stops a few inches away from him, reaching out for his hand at first but she pulls it back. Her eyes are full of questions he's not equipped to answer at the moment, he doesn't even know the answers himself. They're close, he can feel her breath on his face and she makes it so the rest of the world fades away, if only for that moment.

"Nate." She can barely whisper and he just shakes his head in response. His phone vibrates in his pocket and it snaps him back into reality again.

He grabs her small hand in both of his. "I think I need to go home."

Blair nods and pulls her hand out of his and steers him by his elbow to a line of waiting cabs. She tosses a glare at a sophomore who is trying to get into the one in front of them and the girl backs away.

She lightly pushes him in the taxi and shuts the door loudly, giving the drive enough money and then some to get him where he needs to go.

He looks out at her through the open window, expression unreadable, and she could always read him so well. That's what scares her. She quickly realizes that he's looking for something that will hold him together for the time being.

"You're going to be okay, you're all going to be okay." She says quietly as she leans into the cab. They both know it's a lie but it's easier to believe it than anything else.

Serena comes up behind her as the taxi cab speeds off and places an arm around her shoulder. They walk home without saying a word.

--

Blair sends him a text a few hours later_, _it's simple, and she doesn't want to seem overbearing; _Let me know how you're doing when you have the time._

Her mother is asking her questions every ten minutes and finally she can't take it so she escapes and head's to Serena's.

The atmosphere there isn't any better. Bart's been on the phone for hours with various lawyers trying to find out anything he can. Lily's calling around to see if anyone's heard from Anne when Blair walks in and she points her upstairs to Erik's room.

Her best friend and ex-boyfriend are staring intently at the television while Erik is online reading something on the New York Time's website.

She sits down on Erik's bed and her phone goes off. They all turn to look at her and she shrugs, flipping open her phone.

"It's from him." She states simply, bracing herself for what could be in the message.

Three pairs of eyes stare at her impatiently and she reads the text aloud.

"He says 'Everything's hectic. Trial starts tomorrow.'"

The four of them stare absentmindedly at the news for the rest of the night until they decide they've had enough.

--

Nate is present at every trial, looking more and more somber as they progress, and hasn't been in school since that afternoon. Blair drops off his homework everyday after school with one of the maids but the only communication she has with him is through limited text messaging where he doesn't say much.

She calls him one night near the end of the third week since he's been gone and is surprised when he picks up.

"Hey." He sounds like he hasn't slept in days, but even beyond that, like a person who hasn't had a moment to breathe in months. The exhaustion is so apparent in his voice that it practically screams out at her.

"Hi." She says meekly. She's not even sure why she called. "How are you?" Blair realizes she sounds stupid asking it, but it's too late now.

"Oh, you know."

There's a long pause on her side of the line before he speaks again.

"I miss you. I didn't even think I had time to miss you with my whole world turning upside-down and everything, but hearing your voice reminds me that I do."

She chews on her lower lip unsure of what to say still. "I miss you too. You sound tired."

He sighs. "That's the funny thing. I'm fucking exhausted yet I haven't been able to sleep more than a few hours a night. I just lie in bed and think of all the ways my dad's screwed us over."

Blair can hear a couple of voices getting louder in the background and Nate mumble something she can't understand.

"Hey, B? I gotta go. Thanks for calling, it means a lot. I'll talk to you soon, I promise."

That's the last time she talks to him before his world _really _falls apart.

--

Howie Archibald's trial is expedited and it's over within a month. The news of his conviction interrupts the Law & Order episode she's watching in her room one night instead of pretending to be enjoying one of her mother's fashion parties.

Her phone rings and it's Serena. She answers it hastily.

"Yeah. I just saw, too."

She can hear hushed voices in the background and recognizes it as Chuck and his father.

"Chuck wants to go look for him, but I don't know. What do you think?"

She's already halfway out the door, her mother muttering about her black Armani dress being a waste, when she answers.

"We need to find him."

--

They split up after they drive by the courthouse and see that it's completely empty and he's nowhere in sight. Blair and Serena stay together, checking around Central Park and near his home while Chuck and Erik search random bars and anywhere Nate used to go to think things over.

It's Erik who calls them an hour later as it nears midnight, his voice weighty.

"He's at the MET, you guys should hurry."

When they arrive Blair bolts out of the car but stops in her tracks when she sees him sitting with Chuck on the steps where they've eaten lunch almost every day for the past four years.

There's a bottle of expensive whiskey wrapped in a paper bag in his hands that he's taking pulls from every couple of minutes. His tie is loosened, hair not nearly as smoothed over as it normally is, and he's staring blankly into the distance.

Erik approaches the two of them and speaks in hushed tones. "He's only said a few words since we got here."

Blair tosses Serena a look and they move closer until they're a step below his feet. Serena is the first to speak.

"Hi, Nate."

He doesn't look up, just takes another large sip of what's in his hands. Chuck looks at the two of them and shrugs, this isn't his area of expertise.

Nate sets down the bottle and puts his head in his hands, pulling on his hair. Blair lightly touches one of them as to not startle him. He moves his hand and takes hers in his; she gives it a light squeeze.

"Nate?"

He looks up at the sound of her voice and her heart breaks. His eyes are dead and he looks like he's about to crumble at any minute.

She sits down next to him, moving the bottle so it's behind her and searches his face for any sign of anything other than misery.

Her thumb moves in circles over the back of his hand trying to soothe him and the four of them sit in silence for a while before she looks at her best friend and Chuck and nods. Serena raises an eyebrow and considers debating for a second but then looks at the two of them and decides against it. She motions for Chuck to get up and he quickly follows her, emotional situations have never been his forte.

--

After they've left, Nate looks at her and let's out a deep sigh, she can smell the alcohol on his breath. His eyes are glassy and she can't tell if it's the whiskey or the tears he won't let brim over his eyes because he's an Archibald.

She hesitantly brushes some hair away from his eyes to look at him more clearly and in that moment she wants nothing more than to take him away from all of this.

"Do you want to walk around? Central Park is only a few blocks away." She suggests, hoping that getting him up and moving will shake him from this semi comatose state he seems to be in.

He nods and she stands up, smoothing her dress out as she does and holds out a hand for him. He grabs it without faltering, lacing her fingers with his.

They walk through Central Park for hours saying nothing at first, and then he starts to ask her random questions, some that she knows he already knows the answer to. All the questions he asks her keep her talking for minutes, and just when she thinks he's done, he asks more.

After he asks her to tell him her about that last summer she spent with her father, she turns him with her own questions written all over her face.

"What's with the 20 questions?" It comes out more curious than anything.

He stops and pulls her closer by her hand that's been linked with his ever since they left the MET.

"Because you're the only thing that's keeping me from completely losing it right now. I don't want to think about anything other than what you're telling me, so please, keep talking."

Blair stares at him for a minute and then pulls him into a tight hug, inhaling his signature scent of cologne mixed with pot and toothpaste. He hugs her back more fiercely, and she's afraid that if she let's go he'll fall apart. She thinks she feels his lips lightly touch the top of her head and she pulls back, intertwining her arm with his and firmly gripping his hand again as they continued to make their way back to the real world.

She launches into a story about Roman trying to teach her to cook something fancy and French and she gets a small laugh out of him by the end of the story.

The next morning they'll be a picture of the two of them on Gossip Girl with the caption, "N's kingdom may be falling apart, but he'll always have his Queen."

They'll look like the movie that Blair's always wanted to star in, but this isn't the kind of motion picture she had in mind.


End file.
